Who Really Should Have the Final Say in Our Children's Lives?
The journey of parenthood is one filled with countless decisions, from the seemingly trivial to the profoundly significant. As parents and guardians, we often find ourselves in situations where our authority is questioned, shared, or even challenged by extended family, educational institutions, healthcare professionals, and society at large. Perhaps most challenging of all, our authority is also self-questioned, as we can often be our biggest adversaries, second-guessing our instincts and doubting our capabilities. So, who should truly have the final say when it comes to our children's lives? Let's navigate this complex terrain together.
Introduction
When I first became a parent, I did not feel adequate or up to the charge of being responsible for making the best informed decisions for my child. I outsourced most of my decisions to those I deemed experienced. It was only when the noise coming in was in contrast with the voice that I soon learned to trust as also being credible. It was the voice of their mom, the person who had been there with them from day one, that loved them more than life itself, that wanted to be the best parent so that they had all the opportunity to be the best versions of themselves.
This internal struggle between trusting others and trusting ourselves is something many parents and guardians face. Recent research by Orchard et al. (2023) describes parenthood as "an identity with both biologically and socially determined dimensions," highlighting how our role is shaped not just by our own instincts but by the generational patterns we've inherited and the voices we choose to listen to.
Understanding Parental Authority vs. External Influence
The authority of parents and guardians has traditionally been viewed as the cornerstone of family structure. We're typically considered the primary decision-makers in our children's lives, especially during the early years. However, this authority doesn't exist in a vacuum.
External influences come from everywhere: grandparents with their own child-rearing wisdom, educational systems with standardized approaches, healthcare providers with expertise in child development, and broader societal norms that shape our understanding of "good parenting."
The reality is that you hold the microphone and the information. You have the power to use it, but you also have the power to give it away. Whichever you choose is up to you – just do it with intention and with your child's best interest in mind.
Dikker et al. (2024) note that "grandparents play a critical role in child rearing across the globe," with "grandchild care constituting one quarter of child care in the United Kingdom and over 50% in China." These statistics highlight how parenting often involves shared caregiving, with generational influences shaping our approaches whether we're conscious of it or not.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
While recognizing the value of these external influences, establishing healthy boundaries remains essential for maintaining your authority where appropriate. This doesn't mean shutting out other voices, but rather creating a framework where different perspectives can be considered while preserving your core values and decision-making capacity.
The Good Neighbourhood Project's 2024 Impact Report shows how community support can strengthen families without undermining parental authority. Their focus on building relationships recognizes that parents and guardians need support, not replacement.
Some practical steps for establishing boundaries might include:
Identifying whose opinions matter most to you and why
Recognizing when outside advice conflicts with your deepest instincts about your child
Being clear about which decisions you're willing to share and which ones are non-negotiable
Understanding how your own upbringing influences your willingness to assert authority or defer to others
Decision-Making: Finding Your Voice
The question of who has the "final say" isn't just about who makes decisions—it's about finding your authentic voice as a parent or guardian. As long as you choose to keep it, you will have the final say because you are the loudest person in the room advocating for your child.
Research on maternal cognition offers interesting insights here. Orchard et al. (2023) describe how "motherhood involves increased cognitive load, with novel tasks and responsibilities, requiring continuous behavioral adaptation." This adaptability is what helps us develop confidence in our decision-making over time.
Our parenting voices are often shaped by generational patterns. The ways our own parents or guardians made decisions, communicated authority, and set boundaries all influence how we approach these same challenges. Sometimes we consciously reject these patterns; other times we unconsciously replicate them.
Consider asking yourself:
Whose voice do I hear in my head when making difficult parenting decisions?
Am I comfortable asserting my authority or do I habitually defer to "experts"?
How can I honor generational wisdom while still developing my own parenting approach?
What would it mean to truly trust myself as the expert on my own child?
Advocacy: Standing Up for Your Child's Needs
Perhaps the most crucial element of parental authority is advocacy. As parents and guardians, we are uniquely positioned to understand our children's needs and ensure they are met, even when this means challenging institutional systems or professional opinions.
Effective advocacy requires finding your voice and using it consistently:
Trust your instincts: The quiet voice inside that knows your child best deserves to be heard
Gather information: Good advocacy is informed advocacy
Build a supportive network: Find people who strengthen rather than undermine your confidence
Practice speaking up: Like any skill, advocacy gets stronger with practice
The Good Neighbourhood Project describes how community initiatives can create spaces where parents and guardians feel supported rather than judged. Their 2024 Impact Report details how local leaders emerged through community support, finding voices they didn't know they had.
Finding Balance in a Complex World
So, who really should have the final say in our children's lives? The answer isn't straightforward, but perhaps that's the point. Effective parenting in today's world isn't about maintaining absolute authority but about navigating a complex ecosystem of influences while staying grounded in what matters most for your child.
Dikker et al. (2024) suggest that understanding "cross-generational interactions is vital" in guiding approaches that "consider the whole family." This whole-family approach recognizes that children benefit when parents and guardians maintain appropriate authority while also drawing on the strengths of extended family, community resources, and professional expertise.
The research on multigenerational households is particularly telling. Studies have found that grandparents can strengthen "grandchild communication skills, language development, and educational achievement" (Dikker et al., 2024). However, these benefits appear most pronounced "if both the grandparent and the parent are active household members," suggesting that shared caregiving works best when parental authority remains intact.
In conclusion, the "final say" in children's lives belongs to the parents and guardians who choose to claim it. By finding your authentic voice, maintaining appropriate boundaries, and being intentional about when to seek and incorporate outside perspectives, you can make decisions that truly serve your children's best interests. Remember, you hold the microphone—use it wisely, but don't be afraid to use it.
As we navigate these waters, perhaps we should focus less on defending our authority and more on exercising it responsibly, drawing on all available resources to give our children the best possible foundation for life, while remembering that at the end of the day, we are their most important advocate.